divine election is like the Harlem Globetrotters
God needs a bunch of stooge opponents
to lose and be dunked over

the gospel is fresh water
to those who are being redeemed
and salt water
to those who are perishing

if you aren’t one of the elect
loss of childhood
is
loss of God
(and I did so listening to Nine Inch Nails’ Pretty Hate Machine
on my big brother’s $300 CD Boombox)

for the non elect
there is more or a shock leaving childhood for adulthood
than leaving life for death

i only knew God when i didn’t know i didn’t know him
when i was six climbing tall pines i had no internal concept of God
and did not need one or have it occupy my head
i just communed with nature and played with my siblings
once i knew i didn’t know God things changed
(the “age of accountability” for me was just
when i failed to build an image of God in my head that helped me function)
the only time I “found God” in my adult life was when i was psychotic manic
after my psychotic break i was left with the pieces
deciphering things that felt so real
but now these things had to be split into what i was told wasn’t real
(delusions about the color orange)
and what i was told was real
(religion)
but just as i couldn’t feel the difference between the two in mania
i couldn’t in depression either
so i lost my faith