People don’t realize I no longer much have that feeling where I have good feelings to cap off something challenging I did. For example I don’t have that clean feeling after taking a shower. And when I do hard volunteer work I often don’t have the feeling of accomplishment. Part of me has been so corrupted by late stage capitalism that I only feel good when I’ve made money and not when I’ve helped people.

I think these feelings are gone largely due to negative symptoms from bipolar 1 rather than autism. This is especially true because they are a more recent development in my 30’s and 40’s.