xanga bits
From my Xanga (’03 ’04)
Seeds of certain kinds of trees only germinate under extreme
heat. I think the same could be said about certain kinds of evil
in people’s soul. The seeds have always been lying there…
it just takes an extended period of extreme suffering to crack these babies
open. But quickly the seed with the tiniest of roots showing
turns into a giant under and overground trunk with roots and branches.
Your IQ might be your own, but a lot of what you know and perhaps even your desire to acquire this knowledge comes from teachers.
In elementary school you may have been taught about how the great plains Indians used every part of the Buffalo they killed.
Suffering (and the oftentimes ensuing desertion) is like a part of you being killed. Like the Buffalo, you must make an effort to put to use the dead parts of you to help those who will follow.
Every fifth stoplight tells the story of a terrible accident.
You will never get that part of you (and those relationships) back but you can be the vaccine that keeps life.
simulation?
If they find out the universe is a simulation then the supernatural and afterlife suddenly become a lot more plausible. This is because science is just the computer code and there is no reason why things can’t deviate from it once in a while. Living things could have separate disk images that described them so when they died they would be loaded up again. And of course there would be glitches and bugs you would be able to observe which for some people matches our world.
Of course if the universe is a simulation I would say it is one that has run a muck. But one with nonetheless a lot of beauty.
Stigma Around Pointing Out the Obvious
One of the things in the NT world is there is blow back for pointing out the obvious. For example:
“Death is nothing to us. When we exist, death is not; and when death exists, we are not. All sensation and consciousness ends with death and therefore in death there is neither pleasure nor pain” – Epicurus
An after life is an NT thing, people on the spectrum generally only believe in things that have been shown to be true by scientific evidence. My grandma just died and I’d like to think she is in heaven but you know what, heaven is a fantasy. That doesn’t mean that people don’t have the capacity to believe it is real. It’s just that that takes faith which I do not have. If there is no evidence for something, it’s not true. The thing is, if I pointed this out to my immediate and extended family who are mostly all Christian, they would have a fit. I think this is because they know deep down that faith is the only thing keeping their belief in heaven intact. If they were to let their guard down and lose this faith then they would be back to where I am believing only in things that have been shown to be true by scientific evidence.
The other thing I wish people would have let me know that I would never get a job above a janitor job because of my visible visual impairment physical disability. My dad did mention this once in 2002 after me talking to him for a long time but I didn’t take it to heart. The thing about unwritten rules is NT’s want the world to appear more just than it really is so when someone outs some unwritten rules that show it to be less just, they are not looked kindly upon. If I would have known I could never get a job because of my thick glasses I would have invested my time and energy elsewhere. No point in learning programming if you aren’t going to be able to get a job in it due to a disability.
Disability… in Slow Motion
Pretend intelligence is smartphone quality. The better quality the smart phone the faster frames per second it can record. So for example you can do super slow motion shots of people jumping off the diving board with the most expensive phones. Now bring it back to intelligence, the smarter you are the more information you can process in the same amount of time. So you could say a smart person trusting their “instinct” is processing a huge amount of information on the fly.
So what does this have to do with disability? Well, unlike racial prejudice, disability based prejudice doesn’t go down as much as IQ goes up. I think this is because disability introduces some additional negativity and fries people’s sacred cows on the griddle. During the process of encountering a person with a disability, intelligent people are unconsciously thinking things like the below. It’s kind of like a row of balloons being popped in this OK Go Video.
- I have innate worth. A person with a disability really puts to the test the idea that everyone has innate worth which deep down most people know is a lie. But this person is shoving this lie in your face by showing you a test case of someone who, if innate worth were true, you would think would be worth something. But in acknowledging this individual’s worthlessness you acknowledge that your worth is based on function and nothing more. But this is not something you appreciate being shoved in your face.
- I can express myself in any way I choose and still be accepted. Individuals with disabilities also test the limits of free expression. What you find is that just like tan skin is tolerated but only if you’re not a minority, disability is only accepted if it is seen as temporary. So for example if you have a cast on your arm but are expected to heal people will treat you well but if there is something wrong with you they perceive to be permanent then they won’t. “You do you” only applies to things that aren’t irreversible (for example a funky hairdo). As an individual with a disability you understand how life giving conformity is and see through the “be yourself” ruse normal people are never required to.
- I want to bring children into this world. Almost everyone becomes a temporary antinatalist (someone who thinks procreating is cruel) when they encounter an individual with a disability. I always thought “I wish you were never born” was communicated through disability based prejudice (as opposed to race based prejudice which is “I wish you’d die”). Disability reminds people that their life, on balance, could contain way more suffering than joy. And why would you bring anyone into this world if that was what was waiting for them? Of course after the encounter with an individual with a disability ends instead of moving towards antinatalism these people project their negativity on that individual. And why not? Cognitive dissonance is experienced as emotional pain by most people.
- Medical science can fix people good enough to function as good as new in society. As an individual with a disability I have gotten this one a few times. On a diet of seeing shiny new smartphones we’ve been brought up on this narrative that science is going to fix everything which is far from the case. For both my disability and mental illness I’m basically using treatments that were invented in the 90’s. And I’m the lucky one, for others there are even less treatment or none at all.
- God can heal people. People of faith (particularly Charistmatic Christians) do not like encountering individuals with disabilities because they demonstrate God’s inaction in action. A question mark is an enemy of most people of faith and a question that gets brought up is, “what does God really promise?”. If nothing, is the faith really worth it?
See a reply at The Realistic Autistic.
incarnate
The deepest truths are not true or false like a Boolean variable, they are incarnated. This is partly why people get so angry when you are living a life that, by their philosophy, your outcome should be different. This is why the people conservatives save their worst for are the ones who worked hard, were moral, and still failed miserably. And this is why the people Christians save their worst for are the ones who sincerely sought God and found nothing or worse (that’s me, read earlier entries for more details). If these truths were not incarnated, if they were just like math problems where you could derive a simple answer, then there wouldn’t be so much emotion around them.
Every human is an island, whether you are allowed to believe so or not. Most philosophies of life are one size fits all but what fits for one person may be the opposite of what fits for another.
clear the air
This is a common as dirt accusation levied against God but it would really be nice to know unequivocally which version of him was the right one.
Trump on the Spectrum
If Trump were on the spectrum behaving the exact same way he is now he wouldn’t have lasted a week.
Religion Counting
I don’t think it’s fair to count people who are forced to practice their religion in religious censuses or at least break the two figures out. Of course this would be impossible to find out because admitting one was forced into their religion isn’t something those forcing religion on these people want known.
Isolation Jar
A lot of people have punished me with one of the most severe and effective punishments possible. Isolation. They dropped out of my life because I disagreed with them or I was too low status.
I was thinking of the swear jar where people drop money in it when they swear and donate it somewhere. I was thinking it in context of trying to curtail my taking God’s name in vain. I’m still serious about that because that is prohibited by Jews as well as Christians. I was thinking what would work for me is an isolation jar. I would put coins in it whenever in indiscretion left my lips but instead of donating the money I’d count the money out and for each ten coins someone would cancel a time where they were going to hang out with me.
above and below
capitalism is adversarial by nature
because they’re trying to charge the most
and you’re trying to get the lowest price
you can’t force a mind to be free
it must free itself
on its own free will
modern psychology has made life all about
empowerment and personal happiness
but what ends up happening with this
is the personal happiness of the most powerful wins out
I am such an abhorrant poisonous person
many people will only hang out with me when in groups
to have other people as a buffer
to contain my Satan-ness
(I am Satan’s one way mirror
people see him in me
even though he hates me so)
lots of diseases kill
but depression goes about it
the most creatively
Satan’s pal’s evil power pales
in comparison to evil men’s